EVEN IN LOCK-DOWN CUPID WILL FIND U!
by SLYSWN
Summary: Or the crack-shot-fic in which Ichigo sends V-Day Messages to Aizen. (Canon setting with AU alterations, crack-times, OOC-ness, pairings at random and SLY-humor) HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! (loosely implied IchigoxAizen)


**Disclaimer: If Kubo-sensei and Sly were one in the same it would be a scary thing indeed.**

A/N Happy Valentines Day! I would just like to take a few minutes to say this: I think Aizen is the best villain in manga/anime history. And I love the idea of him and Ichigo as a couple. That being said this is a random crack-shot set in canon-verse with a few altered AU elements. Hope you the readers enjoy!

Warnings: Language, Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, Ichigo's view point, run-ons, SLY-humor, OOC-ness, crack elements, technically AU but set in canon-verse with altered facts and what not, loosely implied pairings and blink and you'll miss canon spoilers.

IchigoxAizen, others

CRACK-ONE-SHOT!

EVEN IN LOCK-DOWN CUPID WILL FIND YOU

_**Or the crack-shot in which Ichigo sends V-day messages to Aizen**_

_**()()**_

_**(**__1__st__ letter__**)**_

_**Dear Aizen,**_

_**Although to be completely honest there's nothing "dear" about you but that's neither here nor there-Nor the reason why I have chosen to write you this letter. Only it is not so much a letter as it is a Valentines Day greeting.**_

_**Yes-even villains, who set out to destroy more than one world, corrupt innocent young girls and turn their back on his/her most loyal subordinates and close allies deserve to be recognized on the single most romantic day out of the year.**_

_**Or at least this is what I told Hisagi-san when he asked me why I was sneaking around in the middle of the night, visiting the cellblocks of Muken. **_

_**Interesting guy Hisagi san is and I'm not just referring to his punk rocker looks (**__Ryoka term, don't mind, it slips out of my mouth from time to time.)__** or his wicked scythe like looking zanpakuto.**_

_**From his tiger shaped gray eyes to that blue stripe running across his cheek and over the bridge of his nose, let's just say I can see why it was so **__**hard **__**for a even a blind man like Tousen to resist. Not that I knew Tousen. Heck I don't think I ever even carried on a conversation with the man but well let's call it…hero intuition and leave it at that. GRINS.**_

_**May he rest in peace!**_

_**()()**_

_**(2**__**nd**__** letter)**_

_I can't stop thinking about the words you said to me in the midst of our on going battle. I didn't want to believe you at the time since let's face it you're not exactly the most trust worthy bastard around. _

_Rumor had it; every word that spilled out of your mouth was nothing more than pure poison._

_Sweet poison because as with so many other things you enjoyed glamorizing the ugly and the tainted, turning something hideous into something beautiful. Just one of your many talents as I understand it. Every word, every syllable that passes your lips… (Wistful sigh) _

_How __**do**__ you manage to keep your lips __**so**__ moist?_

_Is there some sort of secret herb or ingredient in that tea you insist on drinking?_

_()()_

_(3__rd__ letter)_

_**Never mind you don't really have to answer my previous question since it had little to do with the holiday season or the message I sent you and more to do with my curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat as the saying goes.**_

_**I personally think they should change it to uber ego and masculine pride killed the cat don't you?**_

_**This is what I like to tell myself when images of Grimmjow's lifeless corpse haunt me in my sleep. **_

_**I don't really know why I'm telling you all this when he was nothing more than another one of your pawns-some say he was the most disobedient and ill mannered of all your children.**_

_**Rather affectionate term to use for "mere" hollows isn't it?**_

_**()()**_

_**(4**__**th**__** letter)**_

_Are you an only child? Did you spend your youth in isolation? Your parents didn't hug you enough is that it? This is the reason why you went in search of other outcasts you wanted a family?_

_It's not really a hero's job to pick a villain's brain but then again I've never been your stereotypical hero __**have I**__? Or did you foresee/orchestrate this moment too? Just how much do you know about my past?_

_**()()**_

_(5__th__ letter)_

_**It doesn't snow much in Soul Society does it? I noticed this when I fell asleep in Byakuya's garden one winter afternoon. **_

_**He didn't like it very much-actually he was quite LIVID and threatened (none-too-gently, mind you) to slice me into fine ribbons with his beloved zanpakuto.**_

_**Just between you and me I always had this theory that Byakuya loves his zanpakuto a little **__**too**__** much. It is quite possible that Byakuya loves his zanpakuto more than he loved his late wife. **_

_**Now I'm not trying to point any fingers here but what if Hisana's passing had little to do with a "mysterious illness" and more to do with Senbonzakura's jealousy?**_

_**Shrugs, maybe not?**_

_**()()**_

_**(6**__**th**__** letter)**_

_Are they feeding you enough? I thought about sending you some chocolate along with this Valentine but then it dawned on me-half of your face including your mouth is sealed shut. _

_Did they have that freak from the 12__th__ division poke a hole and stick a tube in you?_

_I hear pureed carrots are excellent for your eyesight. And no, that is NOT a jab at your less than perfect post-war vision. I'm merely stating a__** fact**__ and I __**know**__ that a man of your high __caliber__ can appreciate facts._

_**PS. Your glasses are up for auction this weekend on SHINIgami4EVERdotcom. Think I might do us both a favor and bid on em'. And if the mood strikes me I might even release my jizz on the lenses**__ (^devil horns^)_

_()()_

_(7__th__ letter)_

_**Everywhere I turn I see pink, red and white. Well I'm used to white since I spent enough time in Hueco Mundo and all but seriously this is ridiculous!**_

_**From streamers and balloons to candy and flowers-it doesn't stop there-the grand halls and the courtyards, rice paper doors, ceilings and floors-and look at that I'm starting to sound like some kind of freaking' poet. (Snorts) **_

_**And a crappy one at that.**_

_**I wish the Shinigami Woman's Association would switch it up and use purple or even a nice shade of blue?**_

_My bedroom is painted blue. Hmm been awhile since I've been home. Think I'll go for a visit._

_()()_

_**(8**__**th**__** letter**__)_

_You and Hirako share quite a history don't you? You're the reason he was kicked out of Soul Society so many years ago._

_Right now as you sit there inside your shitty cellblock with only the dim light of the moon to comfort you, you're probably wondering 2 things._

_One) why am I bringing up a past better left buried?_

_Two) what the hell is Hirako doing back in Soul Society?_

_Fair enough questions and since newspapers are sparse and the hell butterflies are currently on strike (__**Kenpachi really should keep a closer eye on Yachiru-or at least tell her that HELL butterflies don't play dress up!) **_

_It is my duty no my __**pleasure**__ to share a bit of news with you._

_Hirako and the other vizoreds (__**Hiyori managed to make a full recovery by the way**__) decided to resume their former positions in the Gotei 13. _

_So you see Aizen (__**it's nearing closer and closer to the that time and I noticed I haven't addressed you by your name in quite some time) **__all of____your careful __planning __and master __manipulatin__g has gone to waste. _

_Better luck next time!_

_Whoops! That came out sounding a lot more cheeky then I had intended-not very hero-esque._

_**Blame it on my inner hollow. He's the one who brings out the bratty side of me.**_

_**()()**_

_(9__th__ letter)_

_Where'd I leave off last time? Oh yeah I remember now…_

_Then again some people like my old man beg to differ. Goat face tells me I've been a total brat since day one. Speaking of goat face if he knew I was contacting you like this he'd probably lock me in my bedroom and not let me out until I turned 30._

_But being 30 is not so bad though is it? You've still got all your hair and the ladies __**(as well as the occasional free-spirited, open minded gentleman or two) **__fawn and fall all over you. _

_Of course that Hinamori girl will probably fawn and fall over you even long after you've turned old and gray and can't __**"get it up"**__ with out some magic pill or another?_

_**Then again time and the aging process works very differently in Seireitei doesn't it?**_

_()()_

…

_()()_

…

_()()_

_**(10**__**th**__** letter)**_

_**It's been awhile since I last wrote you right? Sorry about that but things have been kind of well…weird.**_

_**Do you believe that hollows can be reincarnated and walk the earth as humans once more?**_

_**We recently got this new transfer student-He calls himself 'Ulysses' but Inoue's convinced it's "Ulquiorra"**_

_**I'm not really sure what to think but its nice to see her smile. Inoue, Ulysses, Rukia and I are going on a double date tonight. **_

_**Not that I'll admit it out loud or to any of my closest friends but I'll tell you. I'm kind of nervous.**_

_**What if Rukia tries to come on to me or something? I don't want to come off rude or anything but this is the same girl (woman) who slept in my bedroom closet for months on end. I'm still vacuuming up popcorn kernels off my carpet and finding empty juice boxes inside my laundry hamper.**_

_**Dating Rukia would be like dating a child or an overgrown woman. I want no part of it!**_

_**But well on the brightside at least I'm a better dancer than Renji or Keigo so…**_

_**WISH ME LUCK?**_

_**()()**_

_(11__th__ letter)_

_There's a man whose been hovering around lately. He leaves these cryptic types of messages-messages that make me doubt my existence-message that make my blood run cold._

_My heart and my soul ache-feels like I'm slowly, painfully being ripped apart._

_Am I dying or am I once again missing the point entirely?_

_()()_

_**(12**__**th**__**)**_

_**There was a ceremony today. I guess it was a wedding since Rangiku-san was even more plastered than usual; she kept calling out Gin's name even though she was dancing with Kira.**_

_**During the reception everyone left his or her zanpakuto's inside the old man's office. Not my old man! Your old man-well not **__**your**__** old man but you know Yamamoto Genryu-something or other-the one with the ridiculously long name and title? Yeah him, anyway he's not looking too good these days.**_

_**Don't tell anyone but I'm starting to think he might have a second use for that cane of his.**_

_**Back to the wedding…I'm not really sure who the bride was but Yoruichi-san was beaming with pride.**_

_**You're a good listener.**_

_**But I do kind of wish you'd send a reply every once and awhile. I understand it might be a bit tricky considering the circumstances and all but then again that's a lame excuse. **_

_**You didn't earn the title of Captain of the 5**__**th**__** division and proclaim yourself "Lord or Hueco Mundo" for nothing. **_

_**I know you've got to have a few more tricks up your sleeves.**_

_**You won't let a little thing like a 20,000 year long sentencing keep us apart will you?**_

_**( sad puppy eyes)**_

_**()()**_

_(13__th__ letter)_

_Okay perhaps I haven't been entirely fair with all of my demands or perhaps you just __need__ a bit more __**incentive**__?_

_**So with this thought in mind I've enclosed a photo of myself along with this message.**_

_Look familiar? I snuck your old __Shihakusho __**(smirks) **__from the laundry room. Do you like the red stockings? I picked them just for the occasion._

_()()_

_(14__th__ letter)_

_**Did you get that last care package I sent you? I know I shouldn't have involved another person in our "affair" but out of all the healers Hanataro seemed the least judgmental of the bunch. **_

_**True he's a bit jumpy at times and way too hung up on the Honorific thing but other than that he seems reliable.**_

_**Another war is upon us, which means I need to prepare.**_

_**No more time for distractions.**_

_**But I don't want to end things on such a depressing note so let me take this chance to share a song I wrote for you**_

_I'm not gonna write you a love song_

_'Cause you tell me it's_

_Make or break in this_

_If you're on your way_

_I'm not gonna write you to stay_

_If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better_

_Reason to write you a love song today_

_**That's all I remember. Okay confession time?**_

_**I didn't really write you a song. Wouldn't know the first thing about composing music or lyrics. It's really just a song I heard on Ukitake-san's I-POD the other day. **_

_**Ukitake-san is nice guy and everything but sometimes I get the feeling that when he's looking at me he's actually seeing some one else.**_

_**You**__** shinigami can be so strange at times.**_

_**Awww shucks our times up!**_

_**Got to Go**_

_**But don't forget even when you're in LOCK-DOWN some how, some way CUPID WILL FIND YOU!**_

_**X**__O__**X**__O_

_Sincerely, _

_**K**__u__**r**__o__**s**__a__**k**__i __**I**__c__**h**__i__**g**__o_

_**AKA**_

_**The Ryoka Boy Wonder Whose Destiny You Foretold**_

_**()()**_

_**END**_

_**LOVE IT? HATE IT? SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN?**_

_**In my defense I started writing this yesterday afternoon and finished it early this morning, shrugs. **_

_**ANYWAY THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME OUT TO READ!**_

_**~SLY~**_


End file.
